Chair F*cking Simulator news & patch notes

{STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/48940beb1f397a614a045d2d45a2a8c001ddb5f1.png HEY CRRAIG HIY KYLE NO CAP BRAYDEN you tired of f*cking a puny chair and watching ur billionaire friends have SICKASS sock darning lessons on their plump-ass trophy couches? BRO, double dip your shoe shine in-between these wet sofa cushions like a privileged Vice Magazine cover model. Get slapped up real good like your best friend Dustin Nathaniel David Joseph John. slide it up SLIDE IT TWICE because this couch is gonna dap up your wide wrists like an unscratched Ford visa Bronco wagon.

Reload your jesus machinegun, because your government-assigned couch spouse has ARRIVED on the scene.

this juicy lamb of the lake is gonna lather up your mind and soul right out of your smelly asshole. you don't need a subscription to this service, baby, because you OWN IT, you bought it forever and you can hold it in your little tiny needle fingers, ripe and sloppy with gin and beef stick grease. {STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/520b4167816cc05b4ef8a9ea685a0e38933d0d89.gif

Available in the starting roster, no special secret unlock crap required! WOW

So rise up, workers! abolish sofas only for the rich, and feed the hungry, and let them f*ck upon the pristine wide chungaroos of a deep dish vice presidential couch. it's not a love seat, it's LOVE SEATS plural because you're riding all night and driving all day. mac truck back up whack up that snack up stuff that food into those cushions and go full concentrated ham in The-Random-August-2024-ChairF*cking-Simulator-Update! kill me please

Also In This Update:

• A really stupid bug with the Achievements not unlocking promptly should be fixed. The responsible horrible person has been appropriately thrown empty into the sea.
• New texty bits added for the sparkling chair browsing experience
• All of our sins

HELLO CHAIR FANS & ENTHUSIASTS

Take off your skid marks and get ready to raw straight through the cave cheese and deep dive into that soft onion-to-onion grappling flavor. We bring you a small pretty OK update. It's not bad! One that will be sure to make you go "..Alright!" WHAT'S NEW

• Ottoman added to the chair roster
• A new Chair Stats screen- to tell you all about what you've done and haven't done- to help out the completionists. Grandma always advised you to keep a diary, and now you have a stained book full of cream cheese and scream memories on which to reflect.
• End of encounter results now has some accompanying sound effects.
• Bug fixes & some minor improvements

Stop cooking meth for a minute, and check this out: You're under arrest! Just kidding, play Chair F*cking Simulator and try not to dig holes in your neighbor's yard.

https://media.giphy.com/media/wzygmK4ZQ5XrLbLRSJ/giphy.gif 🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃 ℍ𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔼ℕ came back. Holy crap! It returned! We better celebrate by letting a bunch of pumpkins watch us slap the bassline. For all of October the Halloween theme is active again in Chair F*cking Simulator! Come and come! Let's all put the pump in pumpkin! Follow us on Twitter

Hello, we decided to update and add 1 chair.

Please enjoy branded wrist bracelets and flavored condoms. 🏳‍🌈💖 https://media.giphy.com/media/hR5PFU7TOhIVNtpJLO/giphy.gif

Other fascinating things in this update 🪑:

• New name text strings
• Bug fixes for googley eyes either not appearing and/or not hiding entirely on certain chairs
• Animation bug fix for the demonic chesterfield
• A bugfix for a very small edgecase where the "No Chair Left Out" achievement might not unlock.

Beware Viewer: A chonkier update is also in the works. In the meantime please yell at us or just say in the Steam forums or on the internet's toilet.

- Minor bug fix - Added an Settings option to Auto-Hide the cursor - Lil bit of new name food

https://media.giphy.com/media/wzygmK4ZQ5XrLbLRSJ/giphy.gif 🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃👻🪑🎃 In time for ℍ𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔼ℕ comes our newest u̷p̴d̵a̴t̸e̴, featuring new content and bugfixes. - Halloween theme added ! (Aᴠᴀɪʟᴀʙʟᴇ ᴜɴᴛɪʟ Nᴏᴠᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 5ᴛʜ) - New chairs added !! - One of the chairs is now possibly cursed !!! ᴄᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ғɪɴᴅ ɪᴛ? - Tweaked some chairs that were very similar looking to be more unique !!!! - I̷͍̤̻̲͓͛͗̏t̷͎̮̺̝̤̐̏ ̵̰̘̱̮̣̏ͅs̵͍̪͕̏̉̓͝ḙ̷̊̿́̇͝é̴̢̧̫̻̹s̵͉͋̑͛͂ ̴̡̨̠̻̺̞̀e̵̢̢͕̩͆ͅv̵̮̅͆è̸̹̝͇̠͉̽͐̐r̶̮̳̭̘̤̹̿͆̑̆̍̈́y̸̧̦͎͖̫̏́͌͆ṱ̶͎̖̎́h̶̰̣̟͔͎̑́͊ì̴̫̞̂̃̂̇ṅ̷͈͉ģ̴̪̅̓̓͑̈́ Follow us on Twitter

T̴h̴e̴ ̴C̴h̴a̴i̴r̴ ̴F̴*̴c̴k̴i̴n̴g̴ ̴S̴i̴m̴u̴l̴a̴t̴o̴r̴ ̴1̴.̴2̴ ̴C̴o̴n̴t̴e̴n̴t̴ ̴U̴p̴d̴a̴t̴e̴ ̴A̴p̴p̴e̴a̴r̴s̴

Has the gloss worn off of your trash can? Tired of buffing out the stains on your upholstery with your center of gravity? Time to take the wet ham out of the fridge and dust off the old thunderclothes, because some new chairs are here to roost! The 12th moon of the 12th ring of the 12th planet is aligned. The silky smooth sine wave flies away from the wine glass, a shining, ringing noise. It screams about sitting and f*cking the places where people sit. {STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/e528e9e4577dde67d27390147b2a3e698218c7b1.png This update doubles the amount of chairs in the roster. Wheelchairs! Antiques! Luxury! Royalty! I͛͛͛m͛͛͛p͛͛͛o͛͛͛s͛͛͛t͛͛͛e͛͛͛r͛͛͛s͛͛͛. So slam some extreme health sauce and jump IN the game, because the office surplus store is POPPIN. https://media.giphy.com/media/KHibX562l1nVIbpoAm/giphy.gif Be wary if your chair has teeth or writhes with pink flesh and the many whisperings they can bring.

A list:

• Did we mention a hell-a-ton more chairs?
• Three new cursed achievements added
• Fixed clown chair no long honking sometimes
• Added a terrifying amount of new profile generating data
• Graphics settings are no longer set to Toilet by default
• New finish camera angle
• New cheat code added 👩🏽‍⚖️
• If you're still reading this, here's a cheat treat: next time you're slapping some seats, type in D-E-R-P

Have fun and don't forget to lock the basement! Yell at ChairF*cker on Steam Yell at ChairF*cker on Twitter

What’s that, you say?

You found yourself taken aback by sedentary allure & pleasure? A minor but curvy update has appeared to improve your simulation satisfaction. * A new chair and 2 new variations have hatched from their eggs and now appear in the regular lineup as a teaser for now. * Fixed some animations with wooden chairs * New terrible & wonderous text strings added to the profiler * Fixed a cheat code * Other minor fixey junk More chairs have caught word and are making their way for the future. Aye! Your stairwells will overlfow with joy. Stop, drop, and update Chair F*cking Simulator so you can get new content.

Dust off the f*ck bin, because in these uncertain times you're going to need every last scrap in there.

Put aside your differences with every chair, because they all need to GIDDIT. Don't forget to charge your phone, and put a clean sock on each toe.

Most importantly

If our chair match-making service improved or ruined your life, please let us know in the Steam review cube. {STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/c413e88c0033fc4a010a9d4658857f17cfe06be9.gif

Launch❤️day🧡is💛tomorrow.💚It💙crawls💜ever❤️closer,🧡like💛a💚sock💙full💜of❤️filth🧡hamsters.

{STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/79349dcf073e471267d065906450fb11de8b553b.png

{STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/ea0852ee0b69d75cd822b17a5df7f85dfd352604.gif Alright bergère buckaroos! Steam review stuff is getting sorted out, and we have a locked in release date

▬▬ ｡ﾟ・*.☆ﾟ JULY 7TH ☆ﾟ.*・｡ﾟ ▬▬▬

Please refrain from destroying the universe until then. Or do your best at least. 💺 🥂 🪑

{STEAM_CLAN_IMAGE}/37660032/e0ea544b8674bac81760f6c3c15dda64e6cb680d.png Ok well, hello beloved chair courting companions. The Steam review process has been taking much longer than expected, possibly because the earth is busy trying to blow itself up this year. We allotted 2 weeks to get through testing, but admittedly we also did show up with a game called Chair F*cking Simulator, so we can't really fault Steam for wanting to be super thorough when it comes to ChairF*cking. At any rate, we'll post more info here when we hear back from the review crew and have a date 100% locked on.

Behold, Friends! The time is upon us all to bring our gamiest of faces to the most exciting of release. For all of us who have performed at less than our best while fucking chairs, this is the training simulator that will Save. Your. LIFE! Learn all of the "ins" and "outs" of the chair casual dating world, in this highly-detailed stimulation simulation! Fuck chairs, friends