Welcome, valued Crewmate, to the future of interstellar accountability! We've received your order for Critical Cargo, and expect your delivery to take place on July 31, 2025.
You are now the proud owner of the Better Evaluation And kNowledge Suit, or as we like to call it, the B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000. This state-of-the-art, full-body attire is more than just a fashion statement; it’s your first and last line of defense against an early expiration in electrical.
Unboxing your B.E.A.N.S.
Upon unboxing your B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000, you should find:
One (1) Skin: B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 Suit: Available in any color you want, as long as it's grey.
One (1) 1 Pair of Gloves: B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 Gloves: Perfect for rewiring, refueling, and redirecting blame to another.
One (1) Hat: B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 Scanner: Attaches to your visor. Do NOT try to detach it. You'll just break it, and returns take forever in space.
Powering Your Suit (It's Basically PJs with Sci-Fi Bits)
Putting on the B.E.A.N.S. Suit is as easy as jumping into your favorite onesie. The advanced, patent-pending fabric will automatically contour to your bean-like physique. Yes, your butt looks great.
The Scanner will then magnetically affix itself to your cranium with a satisfying clunk. What is it adhered to? Don't worry about it.
Your B.E.A.N.S. Suit starts with zero (0) charges and must be manually powered by completing tasks. Subsequent task completion will supply additional scans, allowing Beans to Scan to their heart's content.
Using Your Scanner (No, It Doesn't Display Power Levels)
Forget fumbling with handheld devices! The B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 features a state-of-the-art, head-mounted scanner for optimal, hands-free suspicion. It's science, but for your face.
Charge your Scanner. Do your tasks. No, we’re not just yelling at you to get a Crewmate victory. Our patented technology grants a Crewmate one full Scan per each complete set of tasks completed.
Choose a "Friend." Look directly at the Crewmate you find most suspicious. Maybe they took the last donut.
Activate the Scanner. Give the Scan button a firm, confident tap to execute your Scan. If you see double the Crewmates, you tapped too hard.
Maintain Visual Contact. Stare them down. Make it awkward. The Scanner needs a few seconds to penetrate from their suit to their very soul.
Receive Your Verdict. A final, definitive result will flash across your Scanner's Heads-Up Display.
Understanding Your Scan (Displayed Directly over the Suspected Party)
CREWMATE
The Scanner reveals a calming light green Bean with a checkmark. Phew. This Bean is on your team. They are a certified, task-completing buddy. Now you can both follow each other around until one decides not to trust the other and you both lose.
INCONCLUSIVE
B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 Scans are 100% accurate. However, due to anomalies with shipping to your planet/starship via wormhole, your Scan may not work 100% of the time.
An orange, blurred bean with a repeat signal means your Scanner needs to try again, and results are inconclusive. Time to do your tasks and recharge!
IMPORTANT
The Scanner displays a pink-hued Bean with an exclamation point. Jackpot! This Bean is either a Critical Crewmate OR an Impostor. Critical Crewmates are V.I.B.s (Very Important Beans). Protect them. Even if they are really bad at tasks. Remember, if all of them are eliminated, it's an instant loss for the Crewmates!
Once you've figured out your Scan, it's time for your hero moment. Confidently call an Emergency Meeting and completely fail to explain your evidence.
But Wait... I'm an Impostor
Thanks for your honesty! A galactic patrol will be by shortly to assist in jettisoning you out of the nearest airlock.
Impostors can don the B.E.A.N.S. suit, but Impostors cannot Scan. Impostors may notice a weird product opportunity (we legally can't call it a glitch) where they receive a list of targets, including the Critical Crewmates, instead. The UI of the B.E.A.N.S. Suit Scanner will showcase indicators next to all seen beans, giving indication of their Crewmate or Critical Crewmate status likelihood.
In other words, Impostors reap the benefit of the Scan functionality... without needing to actually Scan. So, if someone seems to know too much too quickly, they probably need to be ejected!
Upgrade Your Fit
All Beans start each round bedecked in their standard-issue Scanner. But maybe you feel a bit basic. Perhaps you wish your judgmental glares carried more prestige?
Then you need the BEST Evaluation And kNowledge Suit — the B.E.A.N.S. Suit 9001 Deluxe Edition! Our newest model comes with all the standard functionality, but with an incredible new color scheme (modified each cycle for the latest color trends) and, get this,
A GLEAMING, GOLD* SCANNER
That’s right, GOLD*! Forged in the heart of a dying star, this golden Scanner does everything the old one did, but with unimaginable style. Convey an aura of authority and trust and make fellow Crewmates think, "Now there's a crewmate who invests in quality. They are definitely not the Impostor."
Don't delay! Upgrade to the B.E.A.N.S. Suit 9001 and judge your peers with the opulence you deserve!
*8 karat, the minimum legal amount required to be considered gold in deep space
This is the smallest we can legally make this text!
B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 - Terms of Service & Limited Liability Agreement
Preamble: This document, hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement," constitutes a legally binding contract between the end-user (hereinafter "the User," "the Operator," or "the Bean") and SpaceCo (hereinafter "the Corporation"), its subsidiaries, interstellar shell companies, and any associated third-party manufacturers of vaguely scientific-sounding components. By donning, activating, or otherwise inhabiting the B.E.A.N.S. Suit 3000 unit (hereinafter "the Product"), the User irrevocably agrees to all terms, conditions, stipulations, and clauses contained herein, whether or not they are comprehensible to beings of their cognitive capacity.
Article 1: Product Functionality & Acknowledgment of Inherent Risk
1.1 - Principle of Operation: The Product is designed to interface with localized bio-signatures, quantum entanglements, and/or metaphysical auras to produce a speculative designation of allegiance (e.g., "Crewmate," "Impostor," "Critical Crewmate"). The precise mechanism is proprietary, involves at least three (3) blinking lights and a slide whistle, and is considered a trade secret under Galactic Federation Commercial Code §734.B.
1.2 - Disclaimer of Absolute Accuracy: The User acknowledges that all scans, readings, and designations provided by the Product's Cranial Scanner are provided on an "as-is" and "for entertainment purposes only" basis. The Corporation makes no warranty, express or implied, regarding the 100% accuracy, reliability, or infallibility of the scanning results. Factors including, but not limited to, cosmic ray interference, proximity to wormholes, high-carb snack consumption, wearer's moral ambiguity, or the target simply being a very good liar, may result in a "False Positive," "False Negative," or a "Who The Heck Knows" reading (e.g., displaying only a question mark or a small, shrugging emoticon).
1.3 - Assumption of Consequence: The User hereby accepts full and total responsibility for any and all social, professional, or life-altering consequences resulting from actions taken based on the Product's designation. This includes, but is not limited to: wrongful ejection into the vacuum of space, baseless accusations leading to social ostracization, or trusting an individual who subsequently introduces you to the business end of a prehensile tongue.
Article 2: Limitation of Liability
2.1 - No Warranty Against Spontaneous Disintegration: The Corporation shall not be held liable for any malfunction of the Product, including sudden power failure during a critical task, helmet fogging, random suit color changes, or the suit's life support system deciding it would rather take a PTO day (they are allowed up to 10 per cycle).
2.2 - Venting Clause: Use of any unauthorized, non-standard, or "off-brand" ventilation systems while wearing the Product immediately voids all warranties. The Product is designed for standard ship-based HVAC and emergency conduit systems only. Any user found traversing, inhabiting, or emerging from sanitation shafts, garbage chutes, or suspiciously convenient floor grates does so at their own peril.
2.3 - Upgrade in Name Only: We literally just dipped the Scanner in gold for the 9001 model. It does nothing else special. The Corporation is not liable for Impostors targeting you out of pure, unadulterated jealousy.
Article 3: Miscellaneous Gibberish
3.1 - Severability: If any clause of this Agreement is found to be unenforceable by an interstellar tribunal, the remaining clauses will be enforced with extra vigor and perhaps a bit of spite.
3.2 - Force Majeure (good mouthfeel on this...say it out loud): The Corporation is not responsible for Product failure due to acts of God, Gods, alien gods, knowable horrors, unknowable horrors, sudden gravitational anomalies, or any other event that would make for a really cool, but inconvenient, new game mode.
3.3 - Agreement to Arbitrate: All disputes arising from this Agreement will be settled by a binding game of rock-paper-scissors between the User and a Corporation legal-bot. The bot is very good at rock-paper-scissors.
By continuing to wear this suit, you have agreed to the foregoing. Good luck. You'll probably need it.
All sales final.
